I bumped, and thusly, spilled my coffee onto my desk TWICE this morning. Muthafucken TWICE.

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Oh? You can't let go of anything, including your "amazing" stapler from the 60's, because you have worked with this company for 25 years?

Well sorry babs, you aren't in this position anymore -I AM! And I don't do it the way you used to do it. Maybe it has something to do with the DECADE we are in as well.

Anyway, I'm sorry if it pulls at your heart strings......... well, actually I'm not.

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OMFG!! Why cant you people just speak in a normal tone of voice and not EXTREMELY LOUD and get the hell outta my office doorway?? All have been hearing for the past 20 mins is just a bunch of stupid bull shit that I dont care about. Its very distracting and annoying. Too bad you are all my superiors...

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I'm planning to leave this hideous job within the next six months or so, and I am so tempted to go on a Reign of Terror until I leave. How satisfying it would be to just not care and say exactly what I think to every one of the many idiots I routinely have to deal with.

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Dear Job Gods,

I've been constantly applying for a new job for over a year. Yes I know I should be thankful to have job, but it's causing alcoholism and it's getting expensive. PLEASE I BEG YOU FOR A NEW JOB!!!! Please give me a chance! And let someone else desperate for a job have mine. I'm trying hard to be patient. What more can I do? Please give me a sign!!!!!

Sincerely,
Exetremely Unhappy

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Why can't I have a job where I don't have to ask for permission for every little damn thing? I tired of saying, "Mother may I?" Seriously, I'm not 4 friggin years old!!!!

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No, really, finish chatting. The two of you have only been prattling on about nothing for the last half hour, this ACTUAL WORK can wait until you've thoroughly discussed your weekend plans, what you're making tonight for dinner, and what you got at target on your lunch break. Important stuff comes first, ya know.

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When I print something, I have to go stand by the printer. Otherwise the one person closest to it will go get it, read it on the way to my desk, and then hand it to me.

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The next time your boss comes up to you to ask your opinion if a certain project is a good idea or not, DON'T ANSWER. Feign ignorance. Give him an unsatisfactory answer. Do anything except sell him on the idea. Why? Because it's a trap and you will end up with the project. Trust me, I speak from experience.

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I can't do it anymore. I can not take another Monday morning meeting. I can not sign another office-circulated card saying goodbye to whats-her-face that I never gave two shits about anyhow. I can not sing Happy fucken Birthday one more time. Seriously, we're how old? And fuck the cake, how about we do shots instead? Gawd. I can not make another impossible deadline. Oh, that stack of papers that is as tall as me - make it disappear by 4pm? Um, sure. I can't do it anymore.

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